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Copyright © 2008. R.J. Fried & Jared Miller |
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Jokes |
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A Sophisticated Bathroom Joke: “What’s brown?” “I don’t know. What?” “Doody’s brown!”* *(To be read in British accent) |
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Fish Memory They say fish have a memory span of three seconds, which made it all the more confusing when I met a salmon with a grudge. |
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A Serial Killer’s New Year’s Resolution: Fit into my high school jeans in time for reunion! |
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Are homeless people the only ones who care about recycling anymore? |
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Bowling Balls Is it really necessary to make the lightest bowling balls pink? I mean, I know I'm a pussy, but does everyone else have to? |
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Parrots Why don't parrots get more press? I mean, they can talk AND THEY'RE BIRDS! |
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Scavenger Hunts Making a friend at a scavenger hunt is like winning "Best Drama" at the Porn Awards: nice, but it's just not the point. |
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Some Advice... Here’s an easy way to cure your boredom and help save the rainforest at the same time: Next time you’re bored, immediately stop what you’re doing and help save the rainforest. |
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Biology Are jaguars and leopards really all that different? I mean, they can probably both fit five balloons in their mouth. |
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"Hump Day": Colloquial Triumph or Ruthless Killer?
Since its inception, the ambiguity of Wednesday's nickname, "Hump Day", has both contributed to and been the direct source of the unintentional perversion of the term by a disputably large number of unknowing speech employers. This misuse has caused considerable, embarrassing, and irreversible embarrassment for said conversationalists. In some extreme cases, outright conversation banishment has both resulted and outcomed at the hands of the other members of the conversation. And that has opened the floor of debate to the debate for whether this colloquial mainstay should be imprisoned or, opposite to imprisonment, celebrated. Not surprisingly or shocking even, victims of the term's misuse have called and pleaded for its extinction—in some cases, even resorting to outbursts. Meanwhile, others just don't seem to care. Still others, however, have campaigned for its propagation and immortalization. Their greatest feat to date manifests itself in the form of an all cotton t-shirt worn primarily by fraternity and sorority members alike, and can be purchased at some, but not all, stores that sell t-shirts to people. The natural question on the minds of some—which party cries louder: The victims or the other people? Regrettably the answer to this question is incalculable and until technology evolves to a point when it can calculate exactly when it will be able to calculate such an answer, we are left only with an unanswered question, those who asked it, those who want an answer, and those who don't. Sure we can sit here, idly and comfortably, waiting for an answer, but let's do a little bit better. Let's compromise! Let's not lock "Hump Day" up and throw away the key like some savage, guiltless rapist might. And let's not not do that either. Instead let's create a new term. A less ambiguous term. One that both preserves the meaning of "Hump Day" and eliminates its ambiguity. With that criteria in mind, I will suggest a term that meets that criteria. I will do so now: "Sexual Intercourse Day". Sure it's less ‘catchy’, but what we lose in catchiness we more than make up for in confusion lessening. Much much more than make up for. |
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Sometimes NOUNS can be VERBS as well…
Noun: I went on a run. Verb: I want to run.
Noun: The door is open. Verb: I couldn’t believe how easily I opened the door.
Noun: I see a cloud. Verb: If you’re going to keep doing that, then don’t be surprised when I cloud you.
Noun: I own a salamander. Verb: Board the windows, honey. We’re about to be salamandered. |
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"When you want your armpits to smell like arctic force." |
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Firemen If fire wasn't hot, I bet firemen would wear suits to work. |
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Darth Vader You think when Darth Vader was sixteen he ordered his Vader suit a little big because he was still growing? |
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"When I grow up..." by Donald Trump |
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Garbage Men |
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“Yo, Delay.”
When Tom Delay is in the presence of yodelers, he must think they’re talking to him all the way up until he hears the “Hee hoo” part. |
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Jokes |
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